Thursday, September 3, 2009
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Monday, August 31, 2009
Hey lady! You may think of me as your "pet cat", but I'm a fabulous single tabby, and I'm looking for love. I'm also looking for a way out of this dump. Since you have opposable thumbs and I don’t, I’m going to need you to get your big butt off the couch and place this ad for me in the local paper.
The ad should read:
I am a beautiful, single tabby with green eyes and long furs, looking to escape the mundane and boring existence that is my life. I enjoy hunting, fishing, catnaps, wine tasting, backyard barbecues, hot tubbing, culinary delights, bird watching, arts and crafts, pillows, and wicker furniture, just to name a few.
Ethnicity: Norwegian Forest Cat mixed with Feline Goddess
Height: 12 inches
Weight: None of your business! Did my human tell you to ask me that question?
Smoking: I'd love to, but my human doesn't think it's "healthy". Pffftttt.
Has Kids: No, but I just LOOOVVVE kittens! Delicious! Er, I mean, adorable!
Age: Again, none of your beeswax. Speaking of which, beeswax is delicious!
Body Type: Pear. I'm large-boned- you wanna make something of it?
Eye Color: You'll never know. I prefer to wear Jackie-O sunglasses.
Alcohol: Hey, you'd drink too if you lived in this dump.
Income Level: I receive payment in the form of cans of Fancy Feast. Can you believe that?!?
Martial Status: If I were anything other than single, would I be placing this ad?
Living Situation: Intolerable
Languages: Why, English, of course!
Astrological sign: Leo
Political Views: I give up. I mean, Socks got into The White House, and what did he do with his newfound power? Squandered it sleeping the day away and placing special orders with the White House Chef! Not that I would have done any differently, mind you.
Sense of humor: Not available
Friday, August 28, 2009
Hello, lady. I am Madame Zelda. I am a teller of fortunes, seer of the future, mistress of mysticism. What's that? I look like Great Grandma Formaldehyde, aka your cat, Ariel? Nonsense! Utter foolishness! I have been hired by a person or persons, to remain otherwise unidentified, to tell your future. Are you ready? Here goes:I am looking into my crystal ball. No, that’s not just a very large marble- ridiculous! It's very cloudy....very…smelly....did you pass gas? Oh, never mind. Maybe that was me. Ah! Now I see you at a store. You are surrounded by cylinders of tin....I see the words "Fancy Feast"....You are buying every single one, in various delicious flavors! Now you are purchasing dozens of rotisserie chickens at the deli! -By the way, make sure you only buy barbecue flavor, unless you want your toes to be mysteriously gnawed off in the middle of the night. Now you are back at home. I see you opening all the cans and serving them on fine china. There are chicken legs flying everywhere! It’s an all-out buffet, just for your cats Ariel and Okie! You do have some intelligence and couth after all! Why, this is marvelous! Wait, wait…now I see Ariel, her adorable little belly all distended and bloated, sprawled out in the middle of a large fluffy bed…she has the ‘chicken burps’…I see you, curled up on the floor at the foot of the bed…Ah! I just love it when the future looks bright.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
The Mind of the Cat: A Quiz
In continuation of my last post, I certainly hope you learned something about the mind of the cat. There is, of course, much, much more to know, as the cat’s mind is a deep well of knowledge and awesomeness. Today we are going to have a brief quiz to test your teeny human brain and see how much you have retained.
- Who is the most important person in your house?
- Your cat
- Cats aren’t people
Correct answer: B. If you answered A or C, may your dreams be haunted by cats with Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
- Cats prefer to eat
- Seizure-inducing dry food
- All the time
- High-quality organic tuna
- A menagerie of assorted wildlife
Correct answer: If you picked A, slap yourself upside the head. Again! Now, serve your cat a nice big bowl of deep-fried squirrel abdomens.
- Why do cats tinkle in inappropriate spots?
- I have not provided enough soft/tantalizing/fun places for my cat to tinkle
- No spot is inappropriate
- Would YOU pee in a 2 x 3 plastic box? ‘Nuff said.
- Because they can
Correct answer: All of the above (Duh)
- Cats are superior to humans because:
- That is the design of the universe
- They are cuter, faster, and much more wily
- They are not superior
Correct answer: I don’t think this one really needs any clarification, now does it?
Ok, time to score yourself. Four correct answers: Give yourself a cookie. You are somewhat on your way to understanding the awesome being that is a cat. Three correct answers: Did you even read my last post? Two correct answers: Call me later. I’ve got a special present I made just for you. One correct answer: Pathetic! May your cat use your leg as a scratching post.
Monday, August 24, 2009
After having lived with a human for even the brief period of time that I have, it has become painfully obvious to me that none of you understand the mind of the cat at all. Therefore, I have put together this handy-dandy reference guide of definitions, which should help you immensely. Read it and weep.
Ariel's Quick Reference Guide to Understanding Your Cat
Human = Servant; he/she who opens cans, cleans poo, and moves their big butt over so I can have the choice spot on the bed.
Food = Anything that moves, breathes, or tastes delicious.
Litterbox = Not a specific location…more of a destination; anything that looks and/or feels comfortable; anything that should be destroyed for its own good (i.e. Grandma Smith’s handmade pea green blanket from 1979).
Cat Fancy = Required reading for all humans who are allowed to live with a cat. Attention Humans: take good notes. There will be a quiz later.
Cat beds = Huge waste of money. Your bed is so much more comfortable.
Dry cat food = Proof that humans do not understand cats in the faintest.
Your heart continuing to beat = You’re welcome.
Newspapers, magazines, important mail = Great for shredding and keeping our teeth sharp
Wildlife = Backyard smorgasbord = Delicious!
Saturday, August 22, 2009
I just saw the post from yesterday that Okie, that traitor, put up on MY site. I am shocked, really. The very idea that I could be any sort of addict is preposterous. And beating up neighborhood kittens! Why, the very idea is absurd. I mean, I may have confiscated a lunch bag here and there (hey, so would you for a Chipmunk Pudding Pop), but that's it, I swear. I am nothing if not utterly in control of myself. I am not easily swayed or tempted. I believe that self-control is the epitome of life, and....(sniff sniff)...Why, whatever is that delicious smell? It's smells like...could it be? Could my prayers have been answered so soon? Hold on, I'll be right back......gotta check something out...
Friday, August 21, 2009
(whispering) Hi everybody! It's me, Okie. I'm Ariel's "guest blogger" today, even though she doesn't know it. I'm trying to gain support for staging an intervention- I think Ariel is addicted to catnip! It's awful, really. Sometimes she stays up all day long, inhaling what she can pilfer from mommy's cupboard, or even (gasp!) licking the floor for leftovers. It's downright filthy, I tell you! When she can't score any at home, she has resorted to beating up neighborhood kittens to steal it from their lunch bags on their way to school! Last month, she decided to try to grow her own in between the weeds along the side of the house. A bluejay saw it though, and in retaliation for a recent baby-bluejay-as-craft-project incident, ratted her out to Mr. Whiskers, the local busybody. Mr. Whiskers ate the bluejay and then promptly came over and tinkled all over the window screen, and Ariel got blamed for it. Then Mr. Whiskers confiscated all the 'nip. He said he was taking it home to be destroyed, but I think he was really planning on rolling himself in it. Shameful! Anyways, I guess it's better than Ariel getting it. The 'nip makes her really munchy, and trust me, she eats enough already! Last week she was so high on the stuff, she started chewing on mommy's wooden duck carving, not realizing it was fake! Only after she got a few splinters in her cheek did she realize her mistake. I pulled out her splinters with my eyeteeth and pushed the duck under the sofa so mommy wouldn't see it, but I'm tired of covering for her! I think I will have to sign her up for 'Nipaholics Anonymous.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Today, I would like to reflect on pillows. Pillows are one of God's gifts to the earth, and to cats in particular. Would you like a little more insight? Read on.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Hey lady! This is Ariel. I’m so incredibly happy you had a wonderful time at that wedding yesterday. Really. I was thrilled to be left here in 2000 degree+ heat with only three meager bowls of food and water to sustain me. How could you possibly think that could tide me over for an evening? Do you not know me at all?
Anyhoo. Contemplating the fantastic time you must have been having in cool air-conditioned comfort, made me fondly reminisce about my cousin Boomer, perhaps the only member of my family to successfully infiltrate a wedding. I decided to ring him up to see if he could give the rest of us any pointers on his secrets of success.
Ariel: Hello Boomer! Can you hear me?
Boomer: (static crackling in the background) Hello Ariel. I’ll have to make this brief. I’ve been put under house arrest in the basement and I’m not supposed to use the phone. It’s wedding season, after all, and my humans are afraid of a repeat of last year.
Ariel: Tell us, what happened?
Boomer: Well, it all started when my humans decided to get married. Mr. asked me if I wanted to be a “cuddly-wuddly-little-furry-groomsman just like daddy”. How was I to know he was kidding?
Ariel: What did you do?
Boomer: Well, I found a top hat and bowtie, of course. Then I hitchhiked to the reception underneath one of the bridemaids’ dresses. As soon as I got there, I immediately began to make myself useful by helping with the music. Some of the records were really bad, so I just put two large scratches in the shape of an “X” across them. I mean, who wants to do the “Chicken Dance”? Chickens are good for one thing, and it's not dancing.
Ariel: Amen to that. Then what?
Boomer: Well, when the guy came back who apparently owned those horrendous records, he started spitting and sputtering and got all red in the face, and looked like he might explode, so I decided that would be an ideal time for me to go take a refreshing dip in the chocolate fountain. My mistake; there is nothing refreshing about having your whiskers singed off by molten hot chocolate. But that’s ok, I immediately felt better after rinsing off in the adjacent champagne fountain.
Ariel: Wow! That sounds delicious.
Boomer: Well, it was alright. The rest of the food left a little to be desired. I went into the kitchen to do some taste testing, and apparently, all Chicken Kiev is stuffed with parsley? I mean, I did not know that! And believe me, I tried every single one of them, and they were all the same!
Ariel: Parsley? I did not know that either…I think I just threw up a little in my mouth…blech!
Boomer: Anyways, some guy in a big white hat came after me with a broomstick, so I hightailed it out of there! All that indulging had left me with a sudden urge to relieve myself, so I began searching out an appropriate spot to do my business. There was a small table over in the corner that had some boxes on it with colored paper wrapped around them, and bows (which I love to eat, but I was a little full at that moment), and there was this one white box with a small slit in the top that was empty. I don’t know who could have aimed through that little slit, so I took the top off and went to town. I am a very polite and well-mannered cat, of course, so I put the lid back on when I was done. Then I got distracted by some ribbon on the floor. And wouldn’t you know, some ladies came over and put a flat white envelope through the slit in the box. I was a little concerned I had committed a faux pas, so I felt better when they said they were leaving their present in the box. Why, that’s what I had just done! So, you see, it all worked out great!
Ariel: That sounds like a great present. That’s what I always give on birthdays and at Christmas. So then what?Boomer: Well, here’s where it gets fuzzy. I remember being grabbed by the scruff of my neck- that hurts, you know!- and I woke up here in the basement. It took a LOT of ankle rubs and good aims in the litterbox before anyone spoke to me again. I still don’t understand what the problem was…I thought I was pretty helpful. Oops! Sorry Ariel, gotta go, I hear footsteps…Call me if you want to go to a wedding sometime....Meeoowwrrrr! (dial tone)
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Mrs. Fizzy's 7-layer bug dip
If you're always looking for a good recipe like I am, try this delicious 7-layer bug dip. You can make it with ingredients you already have hanging around the house!
1 can seafood pate
35 fireflies, dewinged and lightly breaded
14 large black ants (the plump, juicy kind)
2 dozen horseflies, well mashed
45 earwig heads, toasted
23 black beatles, gently sautéed in a pound of butter
A pawful of ladybugs (for color)
Catnip, to taste
Open can of seafood pate (ok, ok, grudgingly ask pesky human to open can of seafood pate); spread generously in large baking dish. Lick at will. Layer fireflies, ants, horseflies, and earwig heads in a circular motion until the pate is covered. Eat the fleas. Toss black beatles into the baking dish evenly. Dot the top with ladybugs, making a smiley face pattern with their corpses. Throw tomatoes in trash can. Cover dish with heaping spoonfuls of catnip, then bake for 1 minute at 350 degrees. Unlock jaw; enjoy.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
I know that I have a penchant for lunch
Friday, August 7, 2009
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Hey lady! I realize you are a little disillusioned right now. The fact that you caught me scaling down the bathroom window ledge in the middle of the night has probably left you asking yourself a few questions. Such as, "What have I done wrong? Why isn't Ariel happy here? Did I not steal her enough fish from the neighbor's koi pond? Did I not bring her enough sacrificial kittens to sustain her? Is perhaps seventeen hours of internet access a day simply not enough to mitigate the utter boredom she surely must endure in this tin can we call home? Did my destruction of her bug collection in the corner with the vacuum cleaner send her over the edge?" Ah, well, you have a lot of thinking and deep self-examination to do in answer to those questions. I can't really give you any insight, except to say, I think you know what you've done. The question is, what are you going to do about it? My own tv, a new high-tech litterbox, a couple of chipmunk heads on a stick, and an end-of-season pigeon roast would go a long way towards my forgiveness of you.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
Top 10 Reasons It’s Great To Be Me
10. I poop, you pick it up
9. That needlework pillow Aunt Melba gave you as a wedding gift? Toast. And believe me, I’m doing you a favor.
8. It’s called sleeping. 18 hours a day.
7. I never have to eat my vegetables. They might kill me.
6. I don’t have to be nice, because I’m cute.
5. I poop, you pick it up.
4. By the good fortune of my own superior intelligence and craftiness, I have an endless supply of supplemental food sources, including, but not limited to, birds’ nests, woodchuck dens, squirrels’ lairs, and beehives. As if that dog food you call dinner could sustain me (sniff)
3. I will live to be 80 years old (in cat years- is there really any other kind?) and still look like I’m two. What’s your excuse?
2. I can stand on your face while you’re sleeping, and you’re none the wiser.1. The power that comes with the knowledge that I am the only thing standing between you and death. It’s lucky for you I can’t open cans.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Thursday, July 30, 2009
American Heritage Dictionary Definition
i-ro-ny [ahy-ruh-nee, ahy-er-]
–noun, plural -nies.
1. “Incongruity between what might be expected and what actually occurs.”
The Dictionary of Ariel Definition
1. “Yes, I allowed you to put this ridiculous prop on my head and take a picture. Ironically, however, that doesn't mean I won't scratch your face off in the middle of the night.”
Check me out on the LOLSpot!
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
Hey lady. Hope you had a nice time at the beach. Did you encounter any "surprises" along the way? Like maybe something white on your shoulder? What's that? No, I would never dream of hiring a seagull to send a message. How could you think I would do something like that? Shocking! No, I just wanted to let you know that next time, you'd better take me along if you know what's good for you (read: if you don't like Tootsie Rolls in your shoes). I went on Ebay and ordered these stylish yet functional sunglasses. I must insist you find me some catnip-flavored suntan oil and a 500-threadcount beach towel- preferably in the blue color family. Reds make me look washed out. I also will require a large picnic basket filled with a delicate assortment of baby mice ears, smoked Gouda, lamb tails, and a nice chilled Piesporter. Oh, and a PUH- that's Personal Umbrella Holder to you peons. I suppose that can be you, if you insist. Now that we understand each other, get busy! You've got lots of work to do.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
Today, I would like to introduce to you all my brother, Fleabag. Here we are in a childhood photo. Fleabag was definitely a punk back in the day. Well, here, I’m going to let him tell you all about himself. Don’t go thinking, “Oh he’s so interesting”, now. Remember, this is MY blog, and I’m the star of the show.
Ok, Fleabag, take it away.Fleabag: I’ve had a rough life. Ariel is only my half sister, you know. We had different fathers. Which makes it kind of tough. One week, you’re living in relative comfort, with food scraps from the table and a nice comfy pillow to sleep on; then every other weekend and holidays, you’re out in the country eating out of garbage cans. Oh, they try to make it up to you by buying you the latest issue of Cat Fancy or a remote control mouse, but it’s just not the same. Anyways, I used to get my kicks by acting out. I was known as the toughest cat in a three block radius! I would have neighborhood kittens crying in their milk. I always kept a couple of the little nippers around to do my bidding; steal catnip from Mrs. Meyers’ garden, de-bone chipmunks, you know, that kind of thing. One time, I even sponsored a neighborhood “Easter egg” hunt. All the kittens had to do was visit all available birds’ nests, retrieve the eggs, and then get out of my face. Simple! I also was the first cat in the ‘hood to get a set of wheels. Ok, so it was a broken roller skate I pilfered from the Johnson’s trash can, but it was still wheels. I accessorized it with a sprinkling of squirrel molars and glitter. Perfect for terrorizing kittens and small rodents! Ah, those were the days. But alas, those days are behind me. Now, I lead a peaceful but staid life as an overweight Domestic Shorthair in western PA. I am a model citizen, only peeing on the odd pillow here and there, or putting a quick (yet pleasurable) end to the life of the occasional trespassing mouse.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
I’ve been on this earth for a long time, and if there's one thing I know, it's that today’s youth doesn’t know anything about survival in the world of humans. Why, back in my day, those pesky bipeds wouldn’t come near my claws, much less think about removing them, if they knew what was good for them. I scratched off many a face in my day. And neutering! Modern mumbo jumbo superstitious nonsense. Back in my day, we got to keep the body parts we were born with. Oh, we may have given birth 45 times, but it built character! What are today’s youth doing with their “freedom from reproduction”? Squandering it, that’s what! Yes, they have all sorts of time on their paws for eating and sleeping and destroying curtains and making craft projects! It’s blasphemous, I say! In my infinite wisdom, I decided to put together some words of advice for the next feline generation. Listen up, whippersnappers!
- Modern dental cleanings are for soft (read: wussy) cats. Real cats clean their teeth on a set of squirrel bones and rocks.
- Hang on to your claws at all costs. Press-on claws or the "Freddy Krueger Halloween Glove Set” don’t cut it. No matter what your “human” tells you.
- Fake mice and trips to the groomer are for sissies! Back in my day, we would clean ourselves by rolling in a thicket of thorns and sharpen our claws on prehistoric rocks.
Well kids, that’s all I have time for today. Stay tuned, and if I’m feeling nice, I might bestow some more of my immortal wisdom on you.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Okie: Hey Ariel, everybody’s talking about the unemployment rate here in Michigan. I thought maybe we should practice our interviewing skills in case we have to look for work.
Ariel: Work? I already have enough work bathing, napping, and putting up with these numbskulls we live with.
O: Ok, ok, I know it’s a long shot. But I thought maybe we should practice answering some questions anyways, just in case.
A: (sigh) Well, I suppose I don’t have anything else to do right now, at least until someone gets here and turns on Soapnet.
O: Ok, first question. What are your strengths?
A: A keen wit, wily intelligence, and ravishing beauty.
O: Uh…yeah. What are your weaknesses?
A: Definitely chipmunk tails, oysters on the half shell, and the Wine of the Month club on QVC.
O: Define cooperation.
A: That’s when you stand on my shoulders and we take down a family of cardinals with no weapons but our own cunning.
O: What problems do you have getting along with others?
A: None, as long as they do my will.
O: Are you willing to take calculated risks when necessary?
A: Absolutely. One time I calculated that a mother bunny stayed away from its nest for 92 minutes every morning starting at 7:32 a.m. If I could consume one baby bunny per 14 minutes, and there were 7 bunnies in the nest, why, I could almost finish the whole nest by the time she got back. And the risk was very minimal!
O: I don't think this is going very well...
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Hey lady! Yeah, you. While you were out, I found a little something to amuse myself. Normally, I prefer to play a rousing game of Monopoly, but I decided to live it up a little. I certainly hope you don't mind that I decimated your extra large bulk supply of catnip in one sitting. What could go wrong? One can never have enough...feeling sleepy, feeling very sleep....zzzzzzzzzz.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Roses are red, violets are blue
No barbecue is complete without a side of cardinal stew
I think some bird’s nest soup would make a fine start
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Monday, July 13, 2009
Okie: Ariel, I was rooting through that box in the corner looking for something to cough up a furball on, when I came across this picture. Who is it?
Ariel: Allow me to introduce my great grandmother, Formaldehyde.
O: Formaldehyde? What’s a Formaldehyde?
A: Formaldehyde was the only child of Otis and Winky Fluffenheiser of Akron, OH. She ran away at age 2 to perform in a traveling circus. She was a famous cabaret dancer, with admirers from all across the world.
O: Why does this other picture show her sitting on a bale of hay and eating flies?
A: Ok, ok, perhaps I exaggerated a bit. She used to put this handkerchief on her head and tell fortunes. She even predicted my birth and what a gift I would be to the human race.
O: That seems a little far-fetched to me.
A: Well, maybe I’m stretching just a wee bit.
O: You know, she looks a lot like you.
A: Me? That’s utterly and completely ridiculous! Absurd!
O: That is you! Oh my. My oh my. How could you let someone put you in that silly outfit and then take your picture? Ha ha ha ha ha!
A: How humiliating...
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Saturday, July 11, 2009
An Ode to Me
Roses are red, violets are blue
My favorite thing is avoiding you
You might think that I’m cuddly and sweet
But baby bird filets are my favorite treat
I like chipmunks and squirrels and woodchucks and mice
But my best recipes are not very nice
Cream sauce and pesto, marinara too
If you fall asleep, I might try them on you
I think people like you are a necessary vice
Someone’s got to clean up those leftover mice
I cannot help it, I’m just being me
Now bring me some bacon and a nice cup of tea
I’d love to stay and chat for a while
But I’ve got some business to do on your new tile
Friday, July 10, 2009
Ariel: Possibly. He has not consented to any of my demands. If you stay where you are and hold him down, I can hit his jugular and then...game over.
O: But who's gonna open cans for us?
A: Hmmm. Good point. I guess this killjoy is good for something. (Menacing whisper) But just remember, Chuckles, your days are numbered.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
-Daily happy hour served promptly at 4 o’clock; prefer an aged port and tenderized woodchuck medallions in a light cream sauce. To be served in the drawing room on family heirloom china.
-Breakfast served promptly at 6:10 a.m. No exceptions for holidays, weekends, or the Chinese New Year. They don’t have a Year of the Cat, I tinkle on their holiday.
-Internet access from 10 a.m. until 4 p.m. daily, with full access to Drs. Foster and Smith and Twitter, which had better be some sort of secret ‘in’ to the world of birds…or else.
-Okie would like her own Visa card.
-A playdate with the baby bluejays in the nest outside the bedroom window. Don’t worry, we won’t let them out of our bite- Er, sight.
-A subscription to Cat Fancy magazine. For you. I already know what I fancy.
-The bed. You can have the floor. And that’s being generous.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
If you’re looking for a fun project this summer like I am, try making this mobile. It will provide you with hours of fun!
You will need:
10 baby birds, preferably dead; assorted colors
Clear fishing line
Two flat pieces of wood
10 small bells
Take two pieces of wood and nail them together in a cross-like fashion. If you do not have opposable thumbs, fool unsuspecting human into wielding hammer – tell them you are making a project for Sunday school. Take baby birds and roll them in shellac. Sprinkle liberally with glitter. Cut 2 foot lengths of fishing line, string with bell, and tie firmly around each bird’s neck. Fasten other end to the pieces of wood. Find select spot to hang mobile, roll onto back, and enjoy.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Meow! Happy 4th of July everyone! My name is Okie, and I am Ariel’s big sister. Today I will be interviewing Ariel and asking some of those questions we all want answered. Ok, probably nobody actually cares about the answers, but I don’t have anything else to do at the moment, so here goes.
Okie: Tell me about your earliest kittenhood memory.
Ariel: I remember my father, who had climbed a tree and couldn’t get down. Someone had called the fire department to come and get him. My eight brothers and sisters and I were taking bets on how many times he would spray the firemen before they could grab him. Fleabag won.
A: My kid brother. He was a punk.
O: Ok….anyways. What’s your favorite holiday?
A: I’m quite partial to Thanksgiving. Turkey legs…stuffing with caterpillars…baby lambchops with quail medallions. It’s a holiday that’s all about me stuffing my face. Delicately and with style, of course.
O: Where would you like to go on our next vacation?
A: Vacation? I’m thinking Tahiti, complete with a parrot roast and Mai Tais under a shady umbrella on the crystal white sand beach. More likely, that lady and guy will be off somewhere, and I’ll be catching flies in this podunk villa they call ‘home’. Yawn.
O: You seem to have a bit of an attitude problem.
A: So would you if your claws had been removed, reducing you to only two choice weapons- razor sharp teeth and razor sharp wit.
O: Ok, well I’m going to go beg for a bacon strip and watch Dr. Zhivago.
A: I’m gonna start the grill and marinade my baby bluejay kabobs. Happy 4th of July, Audubon.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Mrs. Fluffy's 4th of July Surprise
For this delicious patriotic recipe, you will need:
1 red robin
1 container Cool Whip
8-9 dead flies or other assorted bugs
2 pieces tinsel
Find volunteer robin and bluejay; if volunteers not forthcoming, butterfly net should do the trick. Lay robin flat on lightly buttered waxed paper. Cover generously with Cool Whip. Sprinkle with flies and tinsel, then top with bluejay. Give thanks to our forefathers. Open jaws and enjoy.
Monday, June 29, 2009
7:46 a.m. Check again
8:02 a.m. Still checking
8:16 a.m. Reluctantly settle for Fancy Feast in cat dish on floor
8:59 a.m. Take nap
9:30 a.m. Kill fly; eat it
10:47 a.m. Nap
11:13 a.m. Watch pigeon on back deck through binoculars; plan roast pigeon with root vegetables
12:41 p.m. Choke down unappetizing kibble
12:59 Sink to new low; attempt to scale trash can for leftover chicken Kiev
1:30 p.m. Nap
1:55 p.m. Jump on computer keys in futile attempt to access icanhascheezburger.com
3:01 p.m. Boss around neighborhood kittens
3:47 p.m. Nap
5:45 p.m. "Owners" home from work. Yawn.
6:14 p.m. Sort through mail; confiscate Friskies coupons
7:27 p.m. Nap
9:01 p.m. Look pitiful and mewl until baby lambchops and arugula appear on silver tray; wake with a start and realize only a tantalizing dream
10:27 p.m. Nap
11:00 p.m.- 6:00 a.m. Run around the house at top speed, pausing only to climb curtains, pick fight with other cat, and search out noisy toys under the sofa
Saturday, June 27, 2009
I thought I'd start with a photo of me in my adolescence so you can see how adorable I was. Ah, youth. How naive I was back then. I thought that by bestowing the gift of my presence upon my current, totally lackluster "owners"- sometimes referred to as Can Opener #1 and Can Opener #2 - opposable thumbs being their main redeeming quality - that I was making a wise decision. They spent so much money on me, I thought I had it made. I envisioned myself lying in front of a large stone fireplace, on a fluffy pillow, of course, at our winter lodge; our summer home would be a small mansion in the Hamptons, which I would reach by flying first class to a waiting air-conditioned limosine. Imagine my disappointment in discovering the absolute ordinariness of C.O. #1 & 2. They work for a living, for Pete's sake! NOT what I signed up for. But, given my utter lack of opposable thumbs, I can't reach the phone to dial for help. So, here I sit, on a very ordinary (probably Wal-Mart) pillow, and wait to share with you, the world, the fascinating details of my daily life. Check back often- you won't want to miss a word- er, meow.