For this delicious patriotic recipe, you will need:
1 red robin 1 bluejay 1 container Cool Whip 8-9 dead flies or other assorted bugs 2 pieces tinsel
Find volunteer robin and bluejay; if volunteers not forthcoming, butterfly net should do the trick. Lay robin flat on lightly buttered waxed paper. Cover generously with Cool Whip. Sprinkle with flies and tinsel, then top with bluejay. Give thanks to our forefathers. Open jaws and enjoy.
7:15 a.m. Check to see if serving tray with rose and Fancy Feast artfully arranged on an heirloom china plate to be served in bed is ready 7:46 a.m. Check again 8:02 a.m. Still checking 8:16 a.m. Reluctantly settle for Fancy Feast in cat dish on floor 8:59 a.m. Take nap 9:30 a.m. Kill fly; eat it 10:47 a.m. Nap 11:13 a.m. Watch pigeon on back deck through binoculars; plan roast pigeon with root vegetables 12:41 p.m. Choke down unappetizing kibble 12:59 Sink to new low; attempt to scale trash can for leftover chicken Kiev 1:30 p.m. Nap 1:55 p.m. Jump on computer keys in futile attempt to access icanhascheezburger.com 3:01 p.m. Boss around neighborhood kittens 3:47 p.m. Nap 5:45 p.m. "Owners" home from work. Yawn. 6:14 p.m. Sort through mail; confiscate Friskies coupons 7:27 p.m. Nap 9:01 p.m. Look pitiful and mewl until baby lambchops and arugula appear on silver tray; wake with a start and realize only a tantalizing dream 10:27 p.m. Nap 11:00 p.m.- 6:00 a.m. Run around the house at top speed, pausing only to climb curtains, pick fight with other cat, and search out noisy toys under the sofa
Take a look at my picture....do I LOOK amused? This is Saturday night. What are we doing at home? I am not interested in watching another mundane episode of What Not to Wear. I know what not to wear, and I also know what to wear....to a club. Which is where we should be. Now.
I thought I'd start with a photo of me in my adolescence so you can see how adorable I was. Ah, youth. How naive I was back then. I thought that by bestowing the gift of my presence upon my current, totally lackluster "owners"- sometimes referred to as Can Opener #1 and Can Opener #2 - opposable thumbs being their main redeeming quality - that I was making a wise decision. They spent so much money on me, I thought I had it made. I envisioned myself lying in front of a large stone fireplace, on a fluffy pillow, of course, at our winter lodge; our summer home would be a small mansion in the Hamptons, which I would reach by flying first class to a waiting air-conditioned limosine. Imagine my disappointment in discovering the absolute ordinariness of C.O. #1 & 2. They work for a living, for Pete's sake! NOT what I signed up for. But, given my utter lack of opposable thumbs, I can't reach the phone to dial for help. So, here I sit, on a very ordinary (probably Wal-Mart) pillow, and wait to share with you, the world, the fascinating details of my daily life. Check back often- you won't want to miss a word- er, meow.