Thursday, July 30, 2009

Let's Play 'Word of the Day'

American Heritage Dictionary Definition

i-ro-ny  [ahy-ruh-nee, ahy-er-]

–noun, plural -nies.

1. “Incongruity between what might be expected and what actually occurs.”

The Dictionary of Ariel Definition

1. “Yes, I allowed you to put this ridiculous prop on my head and take a picture. Ironically, however, that doesn't mean I won't scratch your face off in the middle of the night.”

Check me out on the LOLSpot!

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

The Ballad of the Sandwich

All this talk about beaches and picnics has given way to some deep reflective introspection. Specifically, what kind of sandwiches are my favorite? I have spent a whole 5 minutes contemplating the answer to this complex question, and as often is the case, am bestowing on you, the public, a glance into the mind of a fascinating individual (that's me) through the medium of poetry. Enjoy.


My favorite sandwich is Jam & Baby Lamb
I also am quite partial to Blue Jay & Spam
But who can forget Chipmunk & Ham
Do I have to pick just one?

How about a nice Raccoon on Wheat
Top it with a side of crunchy bird's feet
Wash down with a martini, I like mine neat
I'm feeling bloated already

I'd like to try Kitten on Rye
Or a little Mouse Salad; I think it's a tie
It's too bad they all have to die
But I need to feed my face

The End

Monday, July 27, 2009

Life's a Beach

Hey lady. Hope you had a nice time at the beach. Did you encounter any "surprises" along the way? Like maybe something white on your shoulder? What's that? No, I would never dream of hiring a seagull to send a message. How could you think I would do something like that? Shocking! No, I just wanted to let you know that next time, you'd better take me along if you know what's good for you (read: if you don't like Tootsie Rolls in your shoes). I went on Ebay and ordered these stylish yet functional sunglasses. I must insist you find me some catnip-flavored suntan oil and a 500-threadcount beach towel- preferably in the blue color family. Reds make me look washed out. I also will require a large picnic basket filled with a delicate assortment of baby mice ears, smoked Gouda, lamb tails, and a nice chilled Piesporter. Oh, and a PUH- that's Personal Umbrella Holder to you peons. I suppose that can be you, if you insist. Now that we understand each other, get busy! You've got lots of work to do.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

A little kitty ditty

Ok, lady. I can see you're getting ready for a nice little day at the beach for yourself- don't worry about me one bit. I'll be fine here in this stuffy little hovel you call home. Just do me a favor before you abandon ship, and post this little ditty I came up with during one of my naps. And if you know what's good for you, you'll bring me back one of those Drumstick thingys.

There was a young man named Jim
It seems he had three chins
But all's for the better
Get the rye and smoked cheddar
I'll make a sandwich out of his limbs

Friday, July 24, 2009

Fleabag: The Life and Times of a Punk

Today, I would like to introduce to you all my brother, Fleabag. Here we are in a childhood photo. Fleabag was definitely a punk back in the day. Well, here, I’m going to let him tell you all about himself. Don’t go thinking, “Oh he’s so interesting”, now. Remember, this is MY blog, and I’m the star of the show.

Ok, Fleabag, take it away.

Fleabag: I’ve had a rough life. Ariel is only my half sister, you know. We had different fathers. Which makes it kind of tough. One week, you’re living in relative comfort, with food scraps from the table and a nice comfy pillow to sleep on; then every other weekend and holidays, you’re out in the country eating out of garbage cans. Oh, they try to make it up to you by buying you the latest issue of Cat Fancy or a remote control mouse, but it’s just not the same. Anyways, I used to get my kicks by acting out. I was known as the toughest cat in a three block radius! I would have neighborhood kittens crying in their milk. I always kept a couple of the little nippers around to do my bidding; steal catnip from Mrs. Meyers’ garden, de-bone chipmunks, you know, that kind of thing. One time, I even sponsored a neighborhood “Easter egg” hunt. All the kittens had to do was visit all available birds’ nests, retrieve the eggs, and then get out of my face. Simple! I also was the first cat in the ‘hood to get a set of wheels. Ok, so it was a broken roller skate I pilfered from the Johnson’s trash can, but it was still wheels. I accessorized it with a sprinkling of squirrel molars and glitter. Perfect for terrorizing kittens and small rodents! Ah, those were the days. But alas, those days are behind me. Now, I lead a peaceful but staid life as an overweight Domestic Shorthair in western PA. I am a model citizen, only peeing on the odd pillow here and there, or putting a quick (yet pleasurable) end to the life of the occasional trespassing mouse.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Great-Grandma Formaldehyde’s Words of Wisdom for Young Whippersnappers

I’ve been on this earth for a long time, and if there's one thing I know, it's that today’s youth doesn’t know anything about survival in the world of humans. Why, back in my day, those pesky bipeds wouldn’t come near my claws, much less think about removing them, if they knew what was good for them. I scratched off many a face in my day. And neutering! Modern mumbo jumbo superstitious nonsense. Back in my day, we got to keep the body parts we were born with. Oh, we may have given birth 45 times, but it built character! What are today’s youth doing with their “freedom from reproduction”? Squandering it, that’s what! Yes, they have all sorts of time on their paws for eating and sleeping and destroying curtains and making craft projects! It’s blasphemous, I say! In my infinite wisdom, I decided to put together some words of advice for the next feline generation. Listen up, whippersnappers!

  • Modern dental cleanings are for soft (read: wussy) cats. Real cats clean their teeth on a set of squirrel bones and rocks.
  • Hang on to your claws at all costs. Press-on claws or the "Freddy Krueger Halloween Glove Set” don’t cut it. No matter what your “human” tells you.
  • Fake mice and trips to the groomer are for sissies! Back in my day, we would clean ourselves by rolling in a thicket of thorns and sharpen our claws on prehistoric rocks.

Well kids, that’s all I have time for today. Stay tuned, and if I’m feeling nice, I might bestow some more of my immortal wisdom on you.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Interview with a cat

Okie: Hey Ariel, everybody’s talking about the unemployment rate here in Michigan. I thought maybe we should practice our interviewing skills in case we have to look for work.

Ariel: Work? I already have enough work bathing, napping, and putting up with these numbskulls we live with.

O: Ok, ok, I know it’s a long shot. But I thought maybe we should practice answering some questions anyways, just in case.

A: (sigh) Well, I suppose I don’t have anything else to do right now, at least until someone gets here and turns on Soapnet.

O: Ok, first question. What are your strengths?

A: A keen wit, wily intelligence, and ravishing beauty.

O: Uh…yeah. What are your weaknesses?

A: Definitely chipmunk tails, oysters on the half shell, and the Wine of the Month club on QVC.

O: Define cooperation.

A: That’s when you stand on my shoulders and we take down a family of cardinals with no weapons but our own cunning.

O: What problems do you have getting along with others?

A: None, as long as they do my will.

O: Are you willing to take calculated risks when necessary?

A: Absolutely. One time I calculated that a mother bunny stayed away from its nest for 92 minutes every morning starting at 7:32 a.m. If I could consume one baby bunny per 14 minutes, and there were 7 bunnies in the nest, why, I could almost finish the whole nest by the time she got back. And the risk was very minimal!

O: I don't think this is going very well...

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Catnip OD

Hey lady! Yeah, you. While you were out, I found a little something to amuse myself. Normally, I prefer to play a rousing game of Monopoly, but I decided to live it up a little. I certainly hope you don't mind that I decimated your extra large bulk supply of catnip in one sitting. What could go wrong? One can never have enough...feeling sleepy, feeling very sleep....zzzzzzzzzz.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Chipmunk Kabobs; A Reflection

Roses are red, violets are blue
I’m ready for a barbecue, how about you?
Summer’s almost over, so what do you say
I’ve got some baby bluejays I’ve been waiting to slay

I’ll roast them up nice on the charcoal grill
With a splash of lemon and a pinch of dill
Oh, baby birds are my favorite snack
Just sneak up behind one and give it a whack

No barbecue is complete without a side of cardinal stew
Better watch out, or it might include you
Squirrel and bacon and corn on the cob
If I see a chipmunk, I’ll make a kabob

I think some bird’s nest soup would make a fine start
I’ll knock one from that tree with a well-aimed dart
This nest is full of eggs! glad I didn’t use bow and arrows
Goodbye, baby birds; hello, huevos rancheros!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

"Cats Control Humans"...Duh

As I was doing my daily perusal of the world wide web over the shoulder of this human I allow to live with me, I came across this slightly interesting, highly obvious statement: "A study finds that cats employ a special trick that gets their owners to do their bidding." It's called Pretending That We Like You Until You Open The Can Of Food. Is this really news? Yawn.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Great-Grandma Formaldehyde

Okie: Ariel, I was rooting through that box in the corner looking for something to cough up a furball on, when I came across this picture. Who is it?

Ariel: Allow me to introduce my great grandmother, Formaldehyde.

O: Formaldehyde? What’s a Formaldehyde?

A: Formaldehyde was the only child of Otis and Winky Fluffenheiser of Akron, OH. She ran away at age 2 to perform in a traveling circus. She was a famous cabaret dancer, with admirers from all across the world.

O: Why does this other picture show her sitting on a bale of hay and eating flies?

A: Ok, ok, perhaps I exaggerated a bit. She used to put this handkerchief on her head and tell fortunes. She even predicted my birth and what a gift I would be to the human race.

O: That seems a little far-fetched to me.

A: Well, maybe I’m stretching just a wee bit.

O: You know, she looks a lot like you.

A: Me? That’s utterly and completely ridiculous! Absurd!

O: That is you! Oh my. My oh my. How could you let someone put you in that silly outfit and then take your picture? Ha ha ha ha ha!

A: How humiliating...

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Garçon! I'd like to place my order

Hey you! It’s lunch time. I want a BLT on wheat, minus the L, the T, and the wheat. And bring me a side of bacon while you’re at it.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

An Ode to...Me, Of Course

An Ode to Me

Roses are red, violets are blue
My favorite thing is avoiding you
You might think that I’m cuddly and sweet
But baby bird filets are my favorite treat

I like chipmunks and squirrels and woodchucks and mice
But my best recipes are not very nice
Cream sauce and pesto, marinara too
If you fall asleep, I might try them on you

I think people like you are a necessary vice
Someone’s got to clean up those leftover mice
I cannot help it, I’m just being me
Now bring me some bacon and a nice cup of tea

I’d love to stay and chat for a while
But I’ve got some business to do on your new tile

Friday, July 10, 2009

When good cats go bad

Okie: Should we take him out?
Ariel: Possibly. He has not consented to any of my demands. If you stay where you are and hold him down, I can hit his jugular and over.
O: But who's gonna open cans for us?
A: Hmmm. Good point. I guess this killjoy is good for something. (Menacing whisper) But just remember, Chuckles, your days are numbered.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Do you know where your slipper is?

Hey you! Yes, you. Now that I have your attention, I am pleased to inform you that I have taken your left fuzzy pink slipper hostage. It will be returned to you in itty bitty shards by way of my litterbox unless you submit to my list of demands:

-Daily happy hour served promptly at 4 o’clock; prefer an aged port and tenderized woodchuck medallions in a light cream sauce. To be served in the drawing room on family heirloom china.

-Breakfast served promptly at 6:10 a.m. No exceptions for holidays, weekends, or the Chinese New Year. They don’t have a Year of the Cat, I tinkle on their holiday.

-Internet access from 10 a.m. until 4 p.m. daily, with full access to Drs. Foster and Smith and Twitter, which had better be some sort of secret ‘in’ to the world of birds…or else.

-Okie would like her own Visa card.

-A playdate with the baby bluejays in the nest outside the bedroom window. Don’t worry, we won’t let them out of our bite- Er, sight.

-A subscription to Cat Fancy magazine. For you. I already know what I fancy.

-The bed. You can have the floor. And that’s being generous.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Kentucky Fried Kittens

Today I am having a picnic lunch. I just happened upon this delicious looking lunch box (pictured above); it has white meat and dark meat, my favorite! I'll just add a side order of chipmunk tails, a red and white checkered cloth, and a nice dry Chablis, and I'll be on my way. What's that? Those are rescue kittens and are not for eating? I'm shocked you would think I would do something like that! That's absolutely (burp) ridiculous!

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Crafty Summer Crafts

If you’re looking for a fun project this summer like I am, try making this mobile. It will provide you with hours of fun!

You will need:
10 baby birds, preferably dead; assorted colors
Clear fishing line
Two flat pieces of wood
10 small bells

Take two pieces of wood and nail them together in a cross-like fashion. If you do not have opposable thumbs, fool unsuspecting human into wielding hammer – tell them you are making a project for Sunday school. Take baby birds and roll them in shellac. Sprinkle liberally with glitter. Cut 2 foot lengths of fishing line, string with bell, and tie firmly around each bird’s neck. Fasten other end to the pieces of wood. Find select spot to hang mobile, roll onto back, and enjoy.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Bluejays, barbecues, and caterpillar stuffing

Meow! Happy 4th of July everyone! My name is Okie, and I am Ariel’s big sister. Today I will be interviewing Ariel and asking some of those questions we all want answered. Ok, probably nobody actually cares about the answers, but I don’t have anything else to do at the moment, so here goes.

Okie: Tell me about your earliest kittenhood memory.
Ariel: I remember my father, who had climbed a tree and couldn’t get down. Someone had called the fire department to come and get him. My eight brothers and sisters and I were taking bets on how many times he would spray the firemen before they could grab him. Fleabag won.
O: Fleabag?
A: My kid brother. He was a punk.
O: Ok….anyways. What’s your favorite holiday?
A: I’m quite partial to Thanksgiving. Turkey legs…stuffing with caterpillars…baby lambchops with quail medallions. It’s a holiday that’s all about me stuffing my face. Delicately and with style, of course.
O: Where would you like to go on our next vacation?
A: Vacation? I’m thinking Tahiti, complete with a parrot roast and Mai Tais under a shady umbrella on the crystal white sand beach. More likely, that lady and guy will be off somewhere, and I’ll be catching flies in this podunk villa they call ‘home’. Yawn.
O: You seem to have a bit of an attitude problem.
A: So would you if your claws had been removed, reducing you to only two choice weapons- razor sharp teeth and razor sharp wit.
O: Ok, well I’m going to go beg for a bacon strip and watch Dr. Zhivago.
A: I’m gonna start the grill and marinade my baby bluejay kabobs. Happy 4th of July, Audubon.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

My fur-st crush, Simba

When I say my first crush, I am talking about the first crush I have been the object of. And trust me, there have been many.