i-ro-ny [ahy-ruh-nee, ahy-er-]
–noun, plural -nies.
1. “Incongruity between what might be expected and what actually occurs.”
The Dictionary of Ariel Definition
1. “Yes, I allowed you to put this ridiculous prop on my head and take a picture. Ironically, however, that doesn't mean I won't scratch your face off in the middle of the night.”
Check me out on the LOLSpot!
Today, I would like to introduce to you all my brother, Fleabag. Here we are in a childhood photo. Fleabag was definitely a punk back in the day. Well, here, I’m going to let him tell you all about himself. Don’t go thinking, “Oh he’s so interesting”, now. Remember, this is MY blog, and I’m the star of the show.
Ok, Fleabag, take it away.
I’ve been on this earth for a long time, and if there's one thing I know, it's that today’s youth doesn’t know anything about survival in the world of humans. Why, back in my day, those pesky bipeds wouldn’t come near my claws, much less think about removing them, if they knew what was good for them. I scratched off many a face in my day. And neutering! Modern mumbo jumbo superstitious nonsense. Back in my day, we got to keep the body parts we were born with. Oh, we may have given birth 45 times, but it built character! What are today’s youth doing with their “freedom from reproduction”? Squandering it, that’s what! Yes, they have all sorts of time on their paws for eating and sleeping and destroying curtains and making craft projects! It’s blasphemous, I say! In my infinite wisdom, I decided to put together some words of advice for the next feline generation. Listen up, whippersnappers!
Well kids, that’s all I have time for today. Stay tuned, and if I’m feeling nice, I might bestow some more of my immortal wisdom on you.
Okie: Hey Ariel, everybody’s talking about the unemployment rate here in Michigan. I thought maybe we should practice our interviewing skills in case we have to look for work.
Ariel: Work? I already have enough work bathing, napping, and putting up with these numbskulls we live with.
O: Ok, ok, I know it’s a long shot. But I thought maybe we should practice answering some questions anyways, just in case.
A: (sigh) Well, I suppose I don’t have anything else to do right now, at least until someone gets here and turns on Soapnet.
O: Ok, first question. What are your strengths?
A: A keen wit, wily intelligence, and ravishing beauty.
O: Uh…yeah. What are your weaknesses?
A: Definitely chipmunk tails, oysters on the half shell, and the Wine of the Month club on QVC.
O: Define cooperation.
A: That’s when you stand on my shoulders and we take down a family of cardinals with no weapons but our own cunning.
O: What problems do you have getting along with others?
A: None, as long as they do my will.
O: Are you willing to take calculated risks when necessary?
A: Absolutely. One time I calculated that a mother bunny stayed away from its nest for 92 minutes every morning starting at 7:32 a.m. If I could consume one baby bunny per 14 minutes, and there were 7 bunnies in the nest, why, I could almost finish the whole nest by the time she got back. And the risk was very minimal!
O: I don't think this is going very well...
Roses are red, violets are blue
As I was doing my daily perusal of the world wide web over the shoulder of this human I allow to live with me, I came across this slightly interesting, highly obvious statement: "A study finds that cats employ a special trick that gets their owners to do their bidding." It's called Pretending That We Like You Until You Open The Can Of Food. Is this really news? Yawn.
Okie: Ariel, I was rooting through that box in the corner looking for something to cough up a furball on, when I came across this picture. Who is it?
Ariel: Allow me to introduce my great grandmother, Formaldehyde.
O: Formaldehyde? What’s a Formaldehyde?
A: Formaldehyde was the only child of Otis and Winky Fluffenheiser of Akron, OH. She ran away at age 2 to perform in a traveling circus. She was a famous cabaret dancer, with admirers from all across the world.
O: Why does this other picture show her sitting on a bale of hay and eating flies?
A: Ok, ok, perhaps I exaggerated a bit. She used to put this handkerchief on her head and tell fortunes. She even predicted my birth and what a gift I would be to the human race.
O: That seems a little far-fetched to me.
A: Well, maybe I’m stretching just a wee bit.
O: You know, she looks a lot like you.
A: Me? That’s utterly and completely ridiculous! Absurd!
O: That is you! Oh my. My oh my. How could you let someone put you in that silly outfit and then take your picture? Ha ha ha ha ha!
A: How humiliating...
Hey you! It’s lunch time. I want a BLT on wheat, minus the L, the T, and the wheat. And bring me a side of bacon while you’re at it.
Okie: Should we take him out?
Hey you! Yes, you. Now that I have your attention, I am pleased to inform you that I have taken your left fuzzy pink slipper hostage. It will be returned to you in itty bitty shards by way of my litterbox unless you submit to my list of demands:
Today I am having a picnic lunch. I just happened upon this delicious looking lunch box (pictured above); it has white meat and dark meat, my favorite! I'll just add a side order of chipmunk tails, a red and white checkered cloth, and a nice dry Chablis, and I'll be on my way. What's that? Those are rescue kittens and are not for eating? I'm shocked you would think I would do something like that! That's absolutely (burp) ridiculous!
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