Thursday, June 21, 2012

To-do….Or, Not.

Hey lady! I am highly suspicious that you think I am, dare I say, slightly unmotivated.  While I would never use such a vile adjective to describe my slightly fluffy self, I do feel it necessary to defend myself by showing you that yes, I do have goals, in the form of a daily to-do list. Gnaw on THAT for a minute.

Ahem. So let’s get to today’s list. You’ll notice the first item is already completed. I have marked your furniture. It is mine. It is where I sleep, where I leave my “opinion” of your dusty dry gravel that passes for food. What’s that you say? I am not physically able to mark your furniture because I am a female? Don’t tell me what I can and can’t do! If I say it is marked, it is marked! Anyway, on to number two…excuse me? There are no drapes in this godforsaken place you call home? I cannot eat what is not there? Does the word “exhibitionist” ring a bell? Whatever, lady. You can’t stop me from completing my to-do list, and I’ll tell you another thing…What? What? You don’t HAVE new pillows to be shredded? Looks like YOU'RE the one with the to-do list.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Did you miss me? Of course you did!

I’m baaaack! I know you’ve missed me, suckas! I’m older, wiser, and just a tad bit fluffier around the midsection. Where have I been, you ask? Well, let’s just say it’s none of your business! Ok, ok, “someone” cut off my access to the internet due to “bad behavior.” Whatever. I’m bored already.

In case any of you care, Okie and I are doing great. We have been keeping busy, building an ark from empty tunafish cans in preparation for the zombie apocalypse, and creating origami from dried bat wings. Now THAT was a delicious project! I never did actually get to the origami part, but oh well. And I have been broadening my knowledge base and learning about things like Twitter- sounds yummy! I don’t really care for bluebird so much, but I guess they’ll do.

What have YOU been doing? Not much, you say? Yes, that’s just what I thought.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Humans are wussies

Hey to you out there. Apparently, my human has some things to take care of in her life (yawn, yawn, and double yawn), so I will be taking a break from dictating my immortal words of wisdom for a little while. I hope you have enjoyed the pearls I have dispensed (you can take 'pearls' to mean whatever you will), and I will be back. Don't worry. There is much more I have to say.
Signing off for now.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Ariel's Top 5 TV Shows; An Exploration

Hey lady! I know that lately you have been a bit disappointed by how much tv I have been watching, but in my defense, I'M BORED. Also, there are some intriguing and frankly enlightening and educational programs out there. What's that? Name a few? With pleasure.

1. 10 Things I Hate About You- Do I have to limit it to just 10?
2. Prison Break- Inspirational!
3. Rescue Me- 'Nuf said.
4. Bones- I haven't actually seen any of the squirrel variety yet, but I expect to soon.
5. True Blood- True, false, whatever. Delicious!

And in case you were wondering, yes, I am trying to tell you something.

Monday, August 31, 2009

The Personal Ad Files: Single Tabby Looking for Love!

Hey lady! You may think of me as your "pet cat", but I'm a fabulous single tabby, and I'm looking for love. I'm also looking for a way out of this dump. Since you have opposable thumbs and I don’t, I’m going to need you to get your big butt off the couch and place this ad for me in the local paper.

The ad should read:

I am a beautiful, single tabby with green eyes and long furs, looking to escape the mundane and boring existence that is my life. I enjoy hunting, fishing, catnaps, wine tasting, backyard barbecues, hot tubbing, culinary delights, bird watching, arts and crafts, pillows, and wicker furniture, just to name a few.

Ethnicity: Norwegian Forest Cat mixed with Feline Goddess

Height: 12 inches

Weight: None of your business! Did my human tell you to ask me that question?

Smoking: I'd love to, but my human doesn't think it's "healthy". Pffftttt.

Has Kids: No, but I just LOOOVVVE kittens! Delicious! Er, I mean, adorable!

Age: Again, none of your beeswax. Speaking of which, beeswax is delicious!

Body Type: Pear. I'm large-boned- you wanna make something of it?

Eye Color: You'll never know. I prefer to wear Jackie-O sunglasses.

Alcohol: Hey, you'd drink too if you lived in this dump.

Occupation: Blogger

Income Level: I receive payment in the form of cans of Fancy Feast. Can you believe that?!?

Martial Status: If I were anything other than single, would I be placing this ad?

Living Situation: Intolerable

Languages: Why, English, of course!

Astrological sign: Leo

Political Views: I give up. I mean, Socks got into The White House, and what did he do with his newfound power? Squandered it sleeping the day away and placing special orders with the White House Chef! Not that I would have done any differently, mind you.

Sense of humor: Not available

Friday, August 28, 2009

Madame Zelda Speaks!

Hello, lady. I am Madame Zelda. I am a teller of fortunes, seer of the future, mistress of mysticism. What's that? I look like Great Grandma Formaldehyde, aka your cat, Ariel? Nonsense! Utter foolishness! I have been hired by a person or persons, to remain otherwise unidentified, to tell your future. Are you ready? Here goes:

I am looking into my crystal ball. No, that’s not just a very large marble- ridiculous! It's very cloudy....very…smelly....did you pass gas? Oh, never mind. Maybe that was me. Ah! Now I see you at a store. You are surrounded by cylinders of tin....I see the words "Fancy Feast"....You are buying every single one, in various delicious flavors! Now you are purchasing dozens of rotisserie chickens at the deli! -By the way, make sure you only buy barbecue flavor, unless you want your toes to be mysteriously gnawed off in the middle of the night. Now you are back at home. I see you opening all the cans and serving them on fine china. There are chicken legs flying everywhere! It’s an all-out buffet, just for your cats Ariel and Okie! You do have some intelligence and couth after all! Why, this is marvelous! Wait, wait…now I see Ariel, her adorable little belly all distended and bloated, sprawled out in the middle of a large fluffy bed…she has the ‘chicken burps’…I see you, curled up on the floor at the foot of the bed…Ah! I just love it when the future looks bright.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

The Mind of the Cat: A Quiz

The Mind of the Cat: A Quiz

In continuation of my last post, I certainly hope you learned something about the mind of the cat. There is, of course, much, much more to know, as the cat’s mind is a deep well of knowledge and awesomeness. Today we are going to have a brief quiz to test your teeny human brain and see how much you have retained.

  1. Who is the most important person in your house?
    1. You
    2. Your cat
    3. Cats aren’t people

Correct answer: B. If you answered A or C, may your dreams be haunted by cats with Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

  1. Cats prefer to eat
    1. Seizure-inducing dry food
    2. All the time
    3. High-quality organic tuna
    4. A menagerie of assorted wildlife

Correct answer: If you picked A, slap yourself upside the head. Again! Now, serve your cat a nice big bowl of deep-fried squirrel abdomens.

  1. Why do cats tinkle in inappropriate spots?
    1. I have not provided enough soft/tantalizing/fun places for my cat to tinkle
    2. No spot is inappropriate
    3. Would YOU pee in a 2 x 3 plastic box? ‘Nuff said.
    4. Because they can

Correct answer: All of the above (Duh)

  1. Cats are superior to humans because:
    1. That is the design of the universe
    2. They are cuter, faster, and much more wily
    3. They are not superior

Correct answer: I don’t think this one really needs any clarification, now does it?

Ok, time to score yourself. Four correct answers: Give yourself a cookie. You are somewhat on your way to understanding the awesome being that is a cat. Three correct answers: Did you even read my last post? Two correct answers: Call me later. I’ve got a special present I made just for you. One correct answer: Pathetic! May your cat use your leg as a scratching post.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Mr. Webster Takes A Dirt Nap

After having lived with a human for even the brief period of time that I have, it has become painfully obvious to me that none of you understand the mind of the cat at all. Therefore, I have put together this handy-dandy reference guide of definitions, which should help you immensely. Read it and weep.

Ariel's Quick Reference Guide to Understanding Your Cat

Human = Servant; he/she who opens cans, cleans poo, and moves their big butt over so I can have the choice spot on the bed.

Food = Anything that moves, breathes, or tastes delicious.

Litterbox = Not a specific location…more of a destination; anything that looks and/or feels comfortable; anything that should be destroyed for its own good (i.e. Grandma Smith’s handmade pea green blanket from 1979).

Cat Fancy = Required reading for all humans who are allowed to live with a cat. Attention Humans: take good notes. There will be a quiz later.

Cat beds = Huge waste of money. Your bed is so much more comfortable.

Dry cat food = Proof that humans do not understand cats in the faintest.

Your heart continuing to beat = You’re welcome.

Newspapers, magazines, important mail = Great for shredding and keeping our teeth sharp

Wildlife = Backyard smorgasbord = Delicious!

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Okie is a liar!

I just saw the post from yesterday that Okie, that traitor, put up on MY site. I am shocked, really. The very idea that I could be any sort of addict is preposterous. And beating up neighborhood kittens! Why, the very idea is absurd. I mean, I may have confiscated a lunch bag here and there (hey, so would you for a Chipmunk Pudding Pop), but that's it, I swear. I am nothing if not utterly in control of myself. I am not easily swayed or tempted. I believe that self-control is the epitome of life, and....(sniff sniff)...Why, whatever is that delicious smell? It's smells like...could it be? Could my prayers have been answered so soon? Hold on, I'll be right back......gotta check something out...

Friday, August 21, 2009

Confessions of a 'Nipaholic

(whispering) Hi everybody! It's me, Okie. I'm Ariel's "guest blogger" today, even though she doesn't know it. I'm trying to gain support for staging an intervention- I think Ariel is addicted to catnip! It's awful, really. Sometimes she stays up all day long, inhaling what she can pilfer from mommy's cupboard, or even (gasp!) licking the floor for leftovers. It's downright filthy, I tell you! When she can't score any at home, she has resorted to beating up neighborhood kittens to steal it from their lunch bags on their way to school! Last month, she decided to try to grow her own in between the weeds along the side of the house. A bluejay saw it though, and in retaliation for a recent baby-bluejay-as-craft-project incident, ratted her out to Mr. Whiskers, the local busybody. Mr. Whiskers ate the bluejay and then promptly came over and tinkled all over the window screen, and Ariel got blamed for it. Then Mr. Whiskers confiscated all the 'nip. He said he was taking it home to be destroyed, but I think he was really planning on rolling himself in it. Shameful! Anyways, I guess it's better than Ariel getting it. The 'nip makes her really munchy, and trust me, she eats enough already! Last week she was so high on the stuff, she started chewing on mommy's wooden duck carving, not realizing it was fake! Only after she got a few splinters in her cheek did she realize her mistake. I pulled out her splinters with my eyeteeth and pushed the duck under the sofa so mommy wouldn't see it, but I'm tired of covering for her! I think I will have to sign her up for 'Nipaholics Anonymous.