Thursday, June 21, 2012
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Monday, August 31, 2009
Hey lady! You may think of me as your "pet cat", but I'm a fabulous single tabby, and I'm looking for love. I'm also looking for a way out of this dump. Since you have opposable thumbs and I don’t, I’m going to need you to get your big butt off the couch and place this ad for me in the local paper.
The ad should read:
I am a beautiful, single tabby with green eyes and long furs, looking to escape the mundane and boring existence that is my life. I enjoy hunting, fishing, catnaps, wine tasting, backyard barbecues, hot tubbing, culinary delights, bird watching, arts and crafts, pillows, and wicker furniture, just to name a few.
Ethnicity: Norwegian Forest Cat mixed with Feline Goddess
Height: 12 inches
Weight: None of your business! Did my human tell you to ask me that question?
Smoking: I'd love to, but my human doesn't think it's "healthy". Pffftttt.
Has Kids: No, but I just LOOOVVVE kittens! Delicious! Er, I mean, adorable!
Age: Again, none of your beeswax. Speaking of which, beeswax is delicious!
Body Type: Pear. I'm large-boned- you wanna make something of it?
Eye Color: You'll never know. I prefer to wear Jackie-O sunglasses.
Alcohol: Hey, you'd drink too if you lived in this dump.
Income Level: I receive payment in the form of cans of Fancy Feast. Can you believe that?!?
Martial Status: If I were anything other than single, would I be placing this ad?
Living Situation: Intolerable
Languages: Why, English, of course!
Astrological sign: Leo
Political Views: I give up. I mean, Socks got into The White House, and what did he do with his newfound power? Squandered it sleeping the day away and placing special orders with the White House Chef! Not that I would have done any differently, mind you.
Sense of humor: Not available
Friday, August 28, 2009
Hello, lady. I am Madame Zelda. I am a teller of fortunes, seer of the future, mistress of mysticism. What's that? I look like Great Grandma Formaldehyde, aka your cat, Ariel? Nonsense! Utter foolishness! I have been hired by a person or persons, to remain otherwise unidentified, to tell your future. Are you ready? Here goes:I am looking into my crystal ball. No, that’s not just a very large marble- ridiculous! It's very cloudy....very…smelly....did you pass gas? Oh, never mind. Maybe that was me. Ah! Now I see you at a store. You are surrounded by cylinders of tin....I see the words "Fancy Feast"....You are buying every single one, in various delicious flavors! Now you are purchasing dozens of rotisserie chickens at the deli! -By the way, make sure you only buy barbecue flavor, unless you want your toes to be mysteriously gnawed off in the middle of the night. Now you are back at home. I see you opening all the cans and serving them on fine china. There are chicken legs flying everywhere! It’s an all-out buffet, just for your cats Ariel and Okie! You do have some intelligence and couth after all! Why, this is marvelous! Wait, wait…now I see Ariel, her adorable little belly all distended and bloated, sprawled out in the middle of a large fluffy bed…she has the ‘chicken burps’…I see you, curled up on the floor at the foot of the bed…Ah! I just love it when the future looks bright.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
The Mind of the Cat: A Quiz
In continuation of my last post, I certainly hope you learned something about the mind of the cat. There is, of course, much, much more to know, as the cat’s mind is a deep well of knowledge and awesomeness. Today we are going to have a brief quiz to test your teeny human brain and see how much you have retained.
- Who is the most important person in your house?
- Your cat
- Cats aren’t people
Correct answer: B. If you answered A or C, may your dreams be haunted by cats with Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
- Cats prefer to eat
- Seizure-inducing dry food
- All the time
- High-quality organic tuna
- A menagerie of assorted wildlife
Correct answer: If you picked A, slap yourself upside the head. Again! Now, serve your cat a nice big bowl of deep-fried squirrel abdomens.
- Why do cats tinkle in inappropriate spots?
- I have not provided enough soft/tantalizing/fun places for my cat to tinkle
- No spot is inappropriate
- Would YOU pee in a 2 x 3 plastic box? ‘Nuff said.
- Because they can
Correct answer: All of the above (Duh)
- Cats are superior to humans because:
- That is the design of the universe
- They are cuter, faster, and much more wily
- They are not superior
Correct answer: I don’t think this one really needs any clarification, now does it?
Ok, time to score yourself. Four correct answers: Give yourself a cookie. You are somewhat on your way to understanding the awesome being that is a cat. Three correct answers: Did you even read my last post? Two correct answers: Call me later. I’ve got a special present I made just for you. One correct answer: Pathetic! May your cat use your leg as a scratching post.
Monday, August 24, 2009
After having lived with a human for even the brief period of time that I have, it has become painfully obvious to me that none of you understand the mind of the cat at all. Therefore, I have put together this handy-dandy reference guide of definitions, which should help you immensely. Read it and weep.
Ariel's Quick Reference Guide to Understanding Your Cat
Human = Servant; he/she who opens cans, cleans poo, and moves their big butt over so I can have the choice spot on the bed.
Food = Anything that moves, breathes, or tastes delicious.
Litterbox = Not a specific location…more of a destination; anything that looks and/or feels comfortable; anything that should be destroyed for its own good (i.e. Grandma Smith’s handmade pea green blanket from 1979).
Cat Fancy = Required reading for all humans who are allowed to live with a cat. Attention Humans: take good notes. There will be a quiz later.
Cat beds = Huge waste of money. Your bed is so much more comfortable.
Dry cat food = Proof that humans do not understand cats in the faintest.
Your heart continuing to beat = You’re welcome.
Newspapers, magazines, important mail = Great for shredding and keeping our teeth sharp
Wildlife = Backyard smorgasbord = Delicious!
Saturday, August 22, 2009
I just saw the post from yesterday that Okie, that traitor, put up on MY site. I am shocked, really. The very idea that I could be any sort of addict is preposterous. And beating up neighborhood kittens! Why, the very idea is absurd. I mean, I may have confiscated a lunch bag here and there (hey, so would you for a Chipmunk Pudding Pop), but that's it, I swear. I am nothing if not utterly in control of myself. I am not easily swayed or tempted. I believe that self-control is the epitome of life, and....(sniff sniff)...Why, whatever is that delicious smell? It's smells like...could it be? Could my prayers have been answered so soon? Hold on, I'll be right back......gotta check something out...
Friday, August 21, 2009
(whispering) Hi everybody! It's me, Okie. I'm Ariel's "guest blogger" today, even though she doesn't know it. I'm trying to gain support for staging an intervention- I think Ariel is addicted to catnip! It's awful, really. Sometimes she stays up all day long, inhaling what she can pilfer from mommy's cupboard, or even (gasp!) licking the floor for leftovers. It's downright filthy, I tell you! When she can't score any at home, she has resorted to beating up neighborhood kittens to steal it from their lunch bags on their way to school! Last month, she decided to try to grow her own in between the weeds along the side of the house. A bluejay saw it though, and in retaliation for a recent baby-bluejay-as-craft-project incident, ratted her out to Mr. Whiskers, the local busybody. Mr. Whiskers ate the bluejay and then promptly came over and tinkled all over the window screen, and Ariel got blamed for it. Then Mr. Whiskers confiscated all the 'nip. He said he was taking it home to be destroyed, but I think he was really planning on rolling himself in it. Shameful! Anyways, I guess it's better than Ariel getting it. The 'nip makes her really munchy, and trust me, she eats enough already! Last week she was so high on the stuff, she started chewing on mommy's wooden duck carving, not realizing it was fake! Only after she got a few splinters in her cheek did she realize her mistake. I pulled out her splinters with my eyeteeth and pushed the duck under the sofa so mommy wouldn't see it, but I'm tired of covering for her! I think I will have to sign her up for 'Nipaholics Anonymous.