Hey lady! You may think of me as your "pet cat", but I'm a fabulous single tabby, and I'm looking for love. I'm also looking for a way out of this dump. Since you have opposable thumbs and I don’t, I’m going to need you to get your big butt off the couch and place this ad for me in the local paper.
The ad should read:
I am a beautiful, single tabby with green eyes and long furs, looking to escape the mundane and boring existence that is my life. I enjoy hunting, fishing, catnaps, wine tasting, backyard barbecues, hot tubbing, culinary delights, bird watching, arts and crafts, pillows, and wicker furniture, just to name a few.
Ethnicity: Norwegian Forest Cat mixed with Feline Goddess
Height: 12 inches
Weight: None of your business! Did my human tell you to ask me that question?
Smoking: I'd love to, but my human doesn't think it's "healthy". Pffftttt.
Has Kids: No, but I just LOOOVVVE kittens! Delicious! Er, I mean, adorable!
Age: Again, none of your beeswax. Speaking of which, beeswax is delicious!
Body Type: Pear. I'm large-boned- you wanna make something of it?
Eye Color: You'll never know. I prefer to wear Jackie-O sunglasses.
Alcohol: Hey, you'd drink too if you lived in this dump.
Income Level: I receive payment in the form of cans of Fancy Feast. Can you believe that?!?
Martial Status: If I were anything other than single, would I be placing this ad?
Living Situation: Intolerable
Languages: Why, English, of course!
Astrological sign: Leo
Political Views: I give up. I mean, Socks got into The White House, and what did he do with his newfound power? Squandered it sleeping the day away and placing special orders with the White House Chef! Not that I would have done any differently, mind you.
Sense of humor: Not available