Hey lady! This is Ariel. I’m so incredibly happy you had a wonderful time at that wedding yesterday. Really. I was thrilled to be left here in 2000 degree+ heat with only three meager bowls of food and water to sustain me. How could you possibly think that could tide me over for an evening? Do you not know me at all?
Anyhoo. Contemplating the fantastic time you must have been having in cool air-conditioned comfort, made me fondly reminisce about my cousin Boomer, perhaps the only member of my family to successfully infiltrate a wedding. I decided to ring him up to see if he could give the rest of us any pointers on his secrets of success.
Ariel: Hello Boomer! Can you hear me?
Boomer: (static crackling in the background) Hello Ariel. I’ll have to make this brief. I’ve been put under house arrest in the basement and I’m not supposed to use the phone. It’s wedding season, after all, and my humans are afraid of a repeat of last year.
Ariel: Tell us, what happened?
Boomer: Well, it all started when my humans decided to get married. Mr. asked me if I wanted to be a “cuddly-wuddly-little-furry-groomsman just like daddy”. How was I to know he was kidding?
Ariel: What did you do?
Boomer: Well, I found a top hat and bowtie, of course. Then I hitchhiked to the reception underneath one of the bridemaids’ dresses. As soon as I got there, I immediately began to make myself useful by helping with the music. Some of the records were really bad, so I just put two large scratches in the shape of an “X” across them. I mean, who wants to do the “Chicken Dance”? Chickens are good for one thing, and it's not dancing.
Ariel: Amen to that. Then what?
Boomer: Well, when the guy came back who apparently owned those horrendous records, he started spitting and sputtering and got all red in the face, and looked like he might explode, so I decided that would be an ideal time for me to go take a refreshing dip in the chocolate fountain. My mistake; there is nothing refreshing about having your whiskers singed off by molten hot chocolate. But that’s ok, I immediately felt better after rinsing off in the adjacent champagne fountain.
Ariel: Wow! That sounds delicious.
Boomer: Well, it was alright. The rest of the food left a little to be desired. I went into the kitchen to do some taste testing, and apparently, all Chicken Kiev is stuffed with parsley? I mean, I did not know that! And believe me, I tried every single one of them, and they were all the same!
Ariel: Parsley? I did not know that either…I think I just threw up a little in my mouth…blech!
Boomer: Anyways, some guy in a big white hat came after me with a broomstick, so I hightailed it out of there! All that indulging had left me with a sudden urge to relieve myself, so I began searching out an appropriate spot to do my business. There was a small table over in the corner that had some boxes on it with colored paper wrapped around them, and bows (which I love to eat, but I was a little full at that moment), and there was this one white box with a small slit in the top that was empty. I don’t know who could have aimed through that little slit, so I took the top off and went to town. I am a very polite and well-mannered cat, of course, so I put the lid back on when I was done. Then I got distracted by some ribbon on the floor. And wouldn’t you know, some ladies came over and put a flat white envelope through the slit in the box. I was a little concerned I had committed a faux pas, so I felt better when they said they were leaving their present in the box. Why, that’s what I had just done! So, you see, it all worked out great!
Ariel: That sounds like a great present. That’s what I always give on birthdays and at Christmas. So then what?Boomer: Well, here’s where it gets fuzzy. I remember being grabbed by the scruff of my neck- that hurts, you know!- and I woke up here in the basement. It took a LOT of ankle rubs and good aims in the litterbox before anyone spoke to me again. I still don’t understand what the problem was…I thought I was pretty helpful. Oops! Sorry Ariel, gotta go, I hear footsteps…Call me if you want to go to a wedding sometime....Meeoowwrrrr! (dial tone)