Great-Grandma Formaldehyde’s Words of Wisdom for Young Whippersnappers

I’ve been on this earth for a long time, and if there's one thing I know, it's that today’s youth doesn’t know anything about survival in the world of humans. Why, back in my day, those pesky bipeds wouldn’t come near my claws, much less think about removing them, if they knew what was good for them. I scratched off many a face in my day. And neutering! Modern mumbo jumbo superstitious nonsense. Back in my day, we got to keep the body parts we were born with. Oh, we may have given birth 45 times, but it built character! What are today’s youth doing with their “freedom from reproduction”? Squandering it, that’s what! Yes, they have all sorts of time on their paws for eating and sleeping and destroying curtains and making craft projects! It’s blasphemous, I say! In my infinite wisdom, I decided to put together some words of advice for the next feline generation. Listen up, whippersnappers!

• Modern dental cleanings are for soft (read: wussy) cats. Real cats clean their teeth on a set of squirrel bones and rocks.
• Hang on to your claws at all costs. Press-on claws or the "Freddy Krueger Halloween Glove Set” don’t cut it. No matter what your “human” tells you.
• Fake mice and trips to the groomer are for sissies! Back in my day, we would clean ourselves by rolling in a thicket of thorns and sharpen our claws on prehistoric rocks.

Well kids, that’s all I have time for today. Stay tuned, and if I’m feeling nice, I might bestow some more of my immortal wisdom on you.