"Cats Control Humans"...Duh

As I was doing my daily perusal of the world wide web over the shoulder of this human I allow to live with me, I came across this slightly interesting, highly obvious statement: "A study finds that cats employ a special trick that gets their owners to do their bidding." It's called Pretending That We Like You Until You Open The Can Of Food. Is this really news? Yawn.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20090713/sc_livescience/catsdocontrolhumansstudyfinds

Great-Grandma Formaldehyde

Okie: Ariel, I was rooting through that box in the corner looking for something to cough up a furball on, when I came across this picture. Who is it?

Ariel: Allow me to introduce my great grandmother, Formaldehyde.

O: Formaldehyde? What’s a Formaldehyde?

A: Formaldehyde was the only child of Otis and Winky Fluffenheiser of Akron, OH. She ran away at age 2 to perform in a traveling circus. She was a famous cabaret dancer, with admirers from all across the world.

O: Why does this other picture show her sitting on a bale of hay and eating flies?

A: Ok, ok, perhaps I exaggerated a bit. She used to put this handkerchief on her head and tell fortunes. She even predicted my birth and what a gift I would be to the human race.

O: That seems a little far-fetched to me.

A: Well, maybe I’m stretching just a wee bit.

O: You know, she looks a lot like you.

A: Me? That’s utterly and completely ridiculous! Absurd!

O: That is you! Oh my. My oh my. How could you let someone put you in that silly outfit and then take your picture? Ha ha ha ha ha!

A: How humiliating...

Garçon! I'd like to place my order

Hey you! It’s lunch time. I want a BLT on wheat, minus the L, the T, and the wheat. And bring me a side of bacon while you’re at it.

An Ode to...Me, Of Course

An Ode to Me

Roses are red, violets are blue
My favorite thing is avoiding you
You might think that I’m cuddly and sweet
But baby bird filets are my favorite treat

I like chipmunks and squirrels and woodchucks and mice
But my best recipes are not very nice
Cream sauce and pesto, marinara too
If you fall asleep, I might try them on you

I think people like you are a necessary vice
Someone’s got to clean up those leftover mice
I cannot help it, I’m just being me
Now bring me some bacon and a nice cup of tea

I’d love to stay and chat for a while
But I’ve got some business to do on your new tile

When good cats go bad

Okie: Should we take him out?
Ariel: Possibly. He has not consented to any of my demands. If you stay where you are and hold him down, I can hit his jugular and then...game over.
O: But who's gonna open cans for us?
A: Hmmm. Good point. I guess this killjoy is good for something. (Menacing whisper) But just remember, Chuckles, your days are numbered.

Do you know where your slipper is?

Hey you! Yes, you. Now that I have your attention, I am pleased to inform you that I have taken your left fuzzy pink slipper hostage. It will be returned to you in itty bitty shards by way of my litterbox unless you submit to my list of demands:

-Daily happy hour served promptly at 4 o’clock; prefer an aged port and tenderized woodchuck medallions in a light cream sauce. To be served in the drawing room on family heirloom china.

-Breakfast served promptly at 6:10 a.m. No exceptions for holidays, weekends, or the Chinese New Year. They don’t have a Year of the Cat, I tinkle on their holiday.

-Internet access from 10 a.m. until 4 p.m. daily, with full access to Drs. Foster and Smith and Twitter, which had better be some sort of secret ‘in’ to the world of birds…or else.

-Okie would like her own Visa card.

-A playdate with the baby bluejays in the nest outside the bedroom window. Don’t worry, we won’t let them out of our bite- Er, sight.

-A subscription to Cat Fancy magazine. For you. I already know what I fancy.

-The bed. You can have the floor. And that’s being generous.

Kentucky Fried Kittens

Today I am having a picnic lunch. I just happened upon this delicious looking lunch box (pictured above); it has white meat and dark meat, my favorite! I'll just add a side order of chipmunk tails, a red and white checkered cloth, and a nice dry Chablis, and I'll be on my way. What's that? Those are rescue kittens and are not for eating? I'm shocked you would think I would do something like that! That's absolutely (burp) ridiculous!

Crafty Summer Crafts

If you’re looking for a fun project this summer like I am, try making this mobile. It will provide you with hours of fun!

You will need:
10 baby birds, preferably dead; assorted colors
Clear fishing line
Two flat pieces of wood
10 small bells
Nails
Shellac
Glitter

Take two pieces of wood and nail them together in a cross-like fashion. If you do not have opposable thumbs, fool unsuspecting human into wielding hammer – tell them you are making a project for Sunday school. Take baby birds and roll them in shellac. Sprinkle liberally with glitter. Cut 2 foot lengths of fishing line, string with bell, and tie firmly around each bird’s neck. Fasten other end to the pieces of wood. Find select spot to hang mobile, roll onto back, and enjoy.

Bluejays, barbecues, and caterpillar stuffing

Meow! Happy 4th of July everyone! My name is Okie, and I am Ariel’s big sister. Today I will be interviewing Ariel and asking some of those questions we all want answered. Ok, probably nobody actually cares about the answers, but I don’t have anything else to do at the moment, so here goes.

Okie: Tell me about your earliest kittenhood memory.
Ariel: I remember my father, who had climbed a tree and couldn’t get down. Someone had called the fire department to come and get him. My eight brothers and sisters and I were taking bets on how many times he would spray the firemen before they could grab him. Fleabag won.
O: Fleabag?
A: My kid brother. He was a punk.
O: Ok….anyways. What’s your favorite holiday?
A: I’m quite partial to Thanksgiving. Turkey legs…stuffing with caterpillars…baby lambchops with quail medallions. It’s a holiday that’s all about me stuffing my face. Delicately and with style, of course.
O: Where would you like to go on our next vacation?
A: Vacation? I’m thinking Tahiti, complete with a parrot roast and Mai Tais under a shady umbrella on the crystal white sand beach. More likely, that lady and guy will be off somewhere, and I’ll be catching flies in this podunk villa they call ‘home’. Yawn.
O: You seem to have a bit of an attitude problem.
A: So would you if your claws had been removed, reducing you to only two choice weapons- razor sharp teeth and razor sharp wit.
O: Ok, well I’m going to go beg for a bacon strip and watch Dr. Zhivago.
A: I’m gonna start the grill and marinade my baby bluejay kabobs. Happy 4th of July, Audubon.

My fur-st crush, Simba

When I say my first crush, I am talking about the first crush I have been the object of. And trust me, there have been many.