Mr. Webster Takes A Dirt Nap

After having lived with a human for even the brief period of time that I have, it has become painfully obvious to me that none of you understand the mind of the cat at all. Therefore, I have put together this handy-dandy reference guide of definitions, which should help you immensely. Read it and weep.

Ariel's Quick Reference Guide to Understanding Your Cat

Human = Servant; he/she who opens cans, cleans poo, and moves their big butt over so I can have the choice spot on the bed.

Food = Anything that moves, breathes, or tastes delicious.

Litterbox = Not a specific location…more of a destination; anything that looks and/or feels comfortable; anything that should be destroyed for its own good (i.e. Grandma Smith’s handmade pea green blanket from 1979).

Cat Fancy = Required reading for all humans who are allowed to live with a cat. Attention Humans: take good notes. There will be a quiz later.

Cat beds = Huge waste of money. Your bed is so much more comfortable.

Dry cat food = Proof that humans do not understand cats in the faintest.

Your heart continuing to beat = You’re welcome.

Newspapers, magazines, important mail = Great for shredding and keeping our teeth sharp

Wildlife = Backyard smorgasbord = Delicious!

Can't touch this

Hey lady! I noticed you trying to pet me this morning. Did you notice I bathed immediately afterward? There’s a reason for that. I don’t like to be petted! I am very fluffy and beautiful, and I know that makes me irresistible to humans such as yourself, who have nothing but decidedly unfluffy and boring skin to cover you. But hey, that’s not my fault. Just to give you a little better idea of why I don’t want you touching me, I wrote this little rhythmical literary piece:

Don't touch me

Because I said so

The last person who did

he bled so

At least he isn't dead, though

So that's something.

Don't touch me

Because I said so

I told you that from the get-go

After all this time

you should know

I don't like you.

So don't touch me

How can I be more plain

Pay attention

Or there will be pain

Mmm, your arm is delicious!